


Jokes on You, I'm Thirty-Three!

by AdventurousLadder



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: I swear its not Melissa this time, Other, Police, someone gets arrested
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 01:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21311770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdventurousLadder/pseuds/AdventurousLadder
Summary: Doug has been chasing a high profile ephebophile for some time now.It's about time some reinforcements get called in.
Relationships: Melissa/Doug
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Jokes on You, I'm Thirty-Three!

Doug was sitting at their desk at around half past six in the evening reading the case file over and over but nothing seemed to be making sense. 'The guy just may be very good' they thought to themselves. 'I need a way to get inside this guy. But how?' they thought. 'I think I need some help.'

The 'guy' they were referring to was no other than the most dangerous ephebophile in Hatchetfield. He was known to lurk on chatrooms and is the reason so many of them are dead in the area because they were afraid they would be charmed by this man. He was not even the most attractive man by any standard. But he worked his way into these girls because of their common weakness: their low self-esteem. They could not even fight back if they tried because he could delete their messages. Just wipe them clean with a virus that he would send to hide from the authorities. Doug has tried to get him by posing as a teenage girl a while ago but that has yet to work as he found out too quickly. Maybe it was the incredibly dry language used in the texts but that does not matter now. Three months into this investigation, they were getting desperate. They needed someone, anyone, who could act like a teenager for just long enough until they get all the evidence necessary to arrest him.

"Hello?" a voice said on the other end of the line.

"Hi, Melissa." Doug said. "Can you come to the station, like, right now?"

"No problemo, amigo!" she replied. Doug hung up the phone and shook their head.

About fifteen minutes later, Doug saw Melissa waltzing on in the police station as if she owned the place. "So, what do you need me here for? Do you want me to stop crime?"

"Kinda yeah." Doug said handing her a file. She looked at it and knew it meant bad news when Doug was not even telling her anything. "I will have you pretend to be a teenager and I want you to lead this man on."

"How old is this man, exactly?" she asked.

"Around 48 years old. Former pastor. Well-liked by the community."

"Wow, you really know your stuff, huh." she said touching their hand. They lightly shrugged it off.

"I've been reading that file you're holding for about three months now. If I hadn't memorized at least what I just said, I shouldn't be a police officer." they pulled up a chair to their desk. "Please sit down."

"Geez." Melissa said before following their orders. "What a creep."

"I understand if you don't want to do it." they were clearly exasperated. "But I think that you can handle it. You're cool like that, I think."

"Yes, I am." Melissa said, glad that her ego has been stroked. "But what do _I_ get out of this?" 

"I am willing to clear your entire criminal record." they said. "That also includes any fines you have accumulated while driving and every single time you have been arrested. Also," they pulled out some car keys. "you can have your car back."

Melissa could not help but grin like a little kid getting their iPad back "I can make a profile for that chatroom tonight. I guarantee you that you will catch that man within the week."

"I wish." Doug said as Melissa said.

* * *

Melissa looked in her closet to find some outfits to look like a teenage girl. She found three outfits to make it look like they were taken at different times.

She put them on and looked at herself in the mirror. 'Damn, do I look young enough?' she thought.

She pulled out her phone and went to take some photos. "Wait a second, the lighting's shit." she said out loud. She then took to walking around her house to look for a place with good lighting. She even took to going outside to get better lighting but at three in the morning, there was not much light. So she went back into her house and got her car keys and drove to Paul's house.

* * *

"Paul?" Melissa pressed the doorbell multiple times and knocked on the door. This waked Paul up and he opened the door in his pajamas.

"Melissa? Wha-?" He was so tired he could not find words to say to her. "We have work tomorrow. Why are you here?"

"I need to use your house." she said inviting herself in not taking off the black vans she was wearing for her photos.

"Couldn't you have waited until tomorrow?"

"Paul," she said putting down her purse on his dining table. "crime never sleeps."

"Okay, Batman." he said, rubbing his eyes furiously hoping that if he did it enough, Melissa would just disappear. But she did not. She was still there posing on his dining table. "What exactly are you doing?"

"I'm taking some pictures to catch a predator."

"Okay." Paul said. "But why are you in my house?"

"Shut up." she said rolling her eyes to stay in character of a teenage girl. "Your house has better lighting so I'm staying here."

"Do you need me or anything?" Paul asked.

"No." she shooed him away. "You can go to sleep. Goodnight, baby boy." Paul could do nothing at this time but sigh and go back to bed.

* * *

Paul woke up to go to work but was surprised to see Melissa sleeping on his coffee table.

"Melissa?" he asked which woke her up. "What are you doing in my house?" he looked around to see his dining table covered with Melissa's clothes. He looked through them and hoped to see his clothes and realize this was just his laundry but sadly that was not the case.

"You let me in last night." she said getting up.

"I did?" Paul asked.

"It was three in the morning." she got up and gathered her clothes with so much speed that if Paul had not gone through her clothes on the dining table, he would not have believed there were clothes on his dining table. "Anyways, we're going to work." she flashed her car keys. Paul was shocked. "Yeah, I got these babies back. Doug let me have them if I catch a predator." went outside leaving Paul trailing behind her. He could not believe it. Was she not arrested for exactly this just a while ago? But the car was here now and he could get to work faster.

Once they arrived at the office, Melissa dropped him off much like a mother would drop off her son at soccer practice. "Alright, honey! Have fun at school!"

Paul looked at her through the front passenger-side window that she never closes. "I'm sorry but you saying that while you look too young to drive is really weird."

"Don't worry, son!" she said before driving off.

"You're not going to work?" Paul yelled at the car as it drove away.

* * *

"Can I see what you've done, Melissa?" Doug asked for her cellphone. She handed the phone over and went to the app she was chatting up martin on.

* * *

_Melissa:_ hi ;))

_daddyy:_ hey babydoll,,,-3-

_Melissa:_ hows life??

_daddyy:_ cold. Send pic pls,,,,,,

_Melissa:_ k

* * *

"Did you send him anything?"

"No. I thought you said to lead him on?" Melissa asked.

"Are you comfortable with sending a pic?" they asked trying their best to not make this uncomfortable.

"Yeah I'm down." she said before leaving. "I'm gonna make one right now."

She looked at herself in the mirror. She made some alterations to her outfit like opening more buttons in her button-up shirt and pulling down the sleeves in the cardigan she was wearing to make her look 'younger'. She found the thought that a man out there would probably wank to this photo while thinking she was an underage girl. But for the greater good, she took a slutty selfie in the police department's bathroom.

_Melissa:_ I'm still at school you dork. :D

She sent the text and fixed her clothes to reveal less skin before going back to Doug who was now shaking a little with excitement.

"How'd it go?"

"It went good." she said sitting down at the chair she was previously sitting in.

"Did he respond?"

"I don't know actually." she then pulled out her phone and went back to the chat room. She looked away on instinct. "It's a dick pic." She gagged when she looked away. She found it absolutely disgusting that she even had him as 'daddyy' on her phone even if it was for a police investigation.

"What?" Doug said looking at the phone. Sadly, Melissa was correct. Even worse, the app said that the man was typing something. It then revealed a video but it was blacked out. "Wait! Don't do anything! He sent a video." they said getting the phone. "Do you want to see this?"

"Maybe?" Melissa said before regretting her decision. It was the man wanking to the picture Melissa sent literally five minutes ago but this time it was printed out and placed on his bed. It was captioned. 'ily babydoll'

Melissa turned away at the sight of her image on the bed but Doug could not help but watch. This was important evidence for the case and they could not just let this disappear. They pulled out a flash drive that somehow worked on her phone and copied the video and picture into their computer. "I got it." they said looking greener than Melissa has ever seen them.

"Are you okay?" she asked concerned.

"Yeah. I'm fine." they said. "Ask to meet up with him. Then we can finally catch this son of a bitch."

"Alright." Melissa said reluctantly.

"Are you okay?" Doug asked.

"I think so." she said deleting the video and image off her phone. "It's just that this is so fucked up, you know?"

"I know." Doug said. "It's fine if you don't want to continue. I can take it from here."

"But have you seen him?" Melissa asked as if she watched the video. "He is a disgusting creature and I will not let you face _that_ alone."

"I'm a cop, babe." Melissa practically melted. This was the first time they used a term of endearment on her. "But if you want to continue, I will let you."

"Alright." she said before typing up another message on her phone.

_Melissa:_ so... wanna meet up? ;)

_Melissa:_ my parents aren't home

_Melissa:_ and CLEARLY i need a new daddy

She scowled at her own text messages. Luckily for them, the man was thirsty as he responded as soon as she sent the message.

_Martin:_ meet me at beanies. No one ever goes there. Be there in 5

Melissa showed the message to Doug. They read the message multiple times to make sure they were not dreaming. "Have we got the guy?" Melissa asked as she saw Doug's face light up in a way she has never seen before.

"Not yet." they said. "We have to get to Beanies."

* * *

The case file states that 'Martin typically uses interesting strategies to lure teenagers into his unruly grasp. He has been known to lurk chatrooms as his main strategy but he has also been known to talk to girls at parks or "support" them at volleyball games and the like. There have been numerous reports sent in by parents but they have only been allegations. Nothing has been truly proven'

Despite being known to use 'interesting tactics', choosing to meet a minor was not ideal. Beanies was not particularly busy at this time of the day. It is currently mid-morning and the cafe is at its quietest. The business crowd is not going to come in for a couple of hours and the teenagers that come by are not going to come until the middle of the afternoon. The lack of crowd at Beanies makes for a lack of cover in the man's court. Their must have been a reason he was doing this in this way.

Melissa ordered a coffee and sat near a window to make everything she does more visible. Doug was watching from the counter cleverly hidden with a disguise that was basically their police uniform paired with a green apron. Their code word was "eggplant" and Melissa was to use it when things turned sour so that Doug can arrest the man.

He entered precisely five minutes after he sent the message. He was a punctual guy but he did not order anything. He just sat down in a seat across from Melissa.

"So?" the man started. "Are you Melissa?" he said winking.

It took every ounce of energy in Melissa's body not to run away. "And you must be Martin."

"I think you should say 'Daddy', babydoll." he said attempting to grab her arm romantically but instead grabbing her boob. Melissa flinched and removed his hand.

"Why don't you say we go somewhere private, daddy?" she asked. _Great. Now I have to wash my mouth_ Melissa thought to herself.

"As you wish, babydoll." he said giving her a helping hand and they walked outside.

They walked into a narrow alleyway that was designed by a crazy person with an obsession with bushes. There was nothing else Melissa could see but green. Doug had followed them out, now with the apron removed but was far enough that the man could not see them.

"So do you just whip it out or what?" Melissa asked the man.

"Just be patient." the man said before unzipping his pants to reveal something no one would want to see if they were under the age of consent.

"Ooh. Just like the _eggplant_ emoji." Melissa gave a little wink and emphasized the code word.

The man could not even pull his pants up when Doug tackled him onto the ground. They pulled out the handcuffs and went to arrest him but because of his sheer size they needed a little help.

"What the fuck! You little bitch!" the man struggled against Doug who was still trying to arrest him.

"Actually," she said. "Jokes on you 'cause I'm thirty-three!"

"Melissa." Doug said. "I need a little help over here."

Melissa pulled out some pepper spray from her purse and sprayed it right into the man's eyes. He flinched and went for them which gave Doug the perfect window to arrest him.

* * *

Nighttime at the station that day was actual heaven for Doug. The man was caught once and for all and they could finally move on to the next case hopefully with something less *disgusting*.

"Thank you for helping me" Doug said hiding their smile.

"No prob, Bob." she said. Melissa was happy as well because after arresting the man and heading back to the station, Doug gave her a police hat of her own. "That's what friends do for each other"

"Friends?" Doug asked. "I never actually thought of it that way."

"What?" Melissa chuckled a little. "What was all this then? A professional relationship?"

"No." Doug said. "Actually, I don't know..."

"Admit it!" Melissa said a little too loudly causing the other people in the station to turn to her. "You're in love with me."

Doug was hiding their blush. "Maybe a little" they said with the quietest tone known to man.

"Do you want to go out with me?"

"Are you serious?" Doug asked.

"When have I haven't?"

"Quite possibly every other time I've been with you."

"Well?"

"Alright." Doug said.

Melissa lit up and hugged Doug with so much strength that it seemed unnatural. Doug could not help but hug her back and smile bigger than they have in the last three months.


End file.
